Letting Go of Looking at People Looking at Me
SisterFriend Reflections: You Are Exactly What You Need
“It is about letting go of looking at people looking at me.”
—Amy Sherald, in conversation with Ta-Nehisi Coates (Hauser & Wirth, Oct. 28, 2022)
I’ve been sitting with the idea behind Amy Sherald’s words about letting go of watching yourself be watched. For Black and Brown women, that “being watched” isn’t imaginary—it’s a weight we’ve carried in our bodies for a long time. We learn to read rooms quickly. We know when to soften, when to prove ourselves, when to over-deliver, and when to stay quiet. We learn to survive the gaze.
But I want to offer a different anchor today: You are exactly what you need.
Not after you fix something. Not after you become “less.” Not after you earn permission. Exactly what you need—right now, in this season, with this heart, with your story.
So much of the world asks Black and Brown women to outsource our worth. To wait for confirmation. To accept being misread. To keep editing ourselves until we’re digestible. But constant self-editing is exhausting and not growth—it’s self-abandonment.
Here’s the truth I keep coming back to: the only opinion that truly matters is your own. Feedback can be helpful. Community can be life-giving. But nobody else gets to define your value. Nobody else gets to be the final voice in your head.
When you catch yourself spiraling into “What do they think of me?” try coming home to yourself with better questions: What do I think of me? Did I honor my values today? Did I speak with truth and care? Did I protect my peace? Did I value my gifts and talents?
Do this simple practice of self-affirmation. Place your hand on your chest and say, “I am who I am created to be.” Then say, “I am exactly what I need.” Say it when you feel small. Say it when you feel powerful. Say it when you feel tired of explaining.
Your life is not an audition. You do not have to earn your right to occupy the space you are in. You get to choose your own gaze—and in that gaze, you are not lacking. You are exactly what you need.
May you trust your own voice more than the noise around you.
May you release the need to be understood by people who refuse to see you.
May you trust the wisdom of your lived experience.